I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
