If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
