Yo dont text me then not text me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize