My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
