I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
