I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
