What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
