Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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