guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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