he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
