Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
