Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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