she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
