Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
