Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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