You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
