Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
