I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
sarcasm needs its own font
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
