I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
