When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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