How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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