You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
