a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
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Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize