ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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