You made me cry and you don't even care
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
