So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you had me at cake vodka
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
