just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
