Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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