life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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