It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
