I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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