Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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