so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
