Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
