i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
