Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
