You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
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Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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