you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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