Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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