When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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