It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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