You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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