I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
soo... how was my night?
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