Your face is a jimmy john
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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