The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
