My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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