omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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