sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You are the jesus of drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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