I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
