I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
