Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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