1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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