Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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