I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
