I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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