he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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