Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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