he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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