My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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