Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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