dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
