good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
