the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
