tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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